Power and Esteem
Power and Esteem In: Families
Kindergarten through High School:
Issues that Impact Development of Power and Esteem – How to Prevent and Respond
In the fall and winter of 2007, Children Matter Network addressed Belonging- Kindergarten through High School- Issues that Impact Development of Positive Belonging in Families, Peer Groups and in School.
As parents, caretakers, and educators it our duty and responsibility to help our children develop a positive sense of Belonging and also a healthy sense of Power and Esteem.
The issues and concerns identified in the Belonging article also impact children/young people ability to establish a healthy sense of Power and Esteem.
As parents, caretakers, and educators we must not be afraid to directly address the issues/concerns that affect our children. Often we might not know how to address identified issues/concerns however we must be honest, direct and address them in a timely manner.
We have provided a typical “scenario” a parent might encounter for different age groups. Each of these scenarios provides an illustration of youth developmentally building a sense of power and esteem with the goal being that a healthy rather than an unhealthy development.
Kindergarten through 2nd Grade:
Issue/Concern:
Your 2 nd grader is invited to attend a classmate’s sleepover with a small group of girls. Per your 2 nd grader “everyone” wanted to be invited. Your 2 nd graders behavior let’s you know that being invited to this party is perceived as a huge honor and her level of importance has increased at school and within herself. Your daughter is aware that she is not allowed to attend sleepovers and she pleads with you to allow her to attend and explains how badly it will make her feel and look at school if she does not attend. Your daughter states, “If I don’t go they are going to be mad at me and I won’t ever be invited to another party again.”
Parent/Caretaker Response:
As the parent/caretaker you have a right to limit your child’s activities. You have a responsibility to ensure that your child is safe and monitored by a trusted responsible adult at all times. You explain to your daughter that she is aware of the family rule regarding sleepovers and why the rule is in place-to ensure her safety. You explain to your daughter that she can attend the party until 10pm, an hour past her bedtime, and than the both of you will need to leave the party to return home. Invite her to talk with you about how she can explain to her classmate that she can attend but cannot sleepover. Listen to her feelings about classmates possibly being angry with her and then move into how she can try to be “o.k.” with classmates being mad at her sometimes. Emphasize her courage and strength you know she has to be independent and that she can be o.k. with being different. Encourage her while listening to her fears. Do not give in because of her fears. The fear can be a tool to teach her a healthy sense of power and esteem.
3rd Grade through 5th Grade:
Issue/Concern:
Your child informs you that he/she would like a cell phone because everyone else in his/her class has a cell phone and it really makes him/her look like a “loser” by not having one. Your child says that he/she is out of the communication loop and as result is often left out of activities.
Parent/Caretaker Response:
As the parent/caretaker explain to your child that you actually recognize that he/she may need a cell phone for safety reasons so actually you are willing to provide him/her with a cell phone, with limitations. There will be limited incoming and outgoing minutes purchased each month. Texting will be allowed but no access to the Internet, and explain why the restriction to the Internet is being imposed. Stress to your child the level of responsibility that goes with a cell phone- billing, allotted minutes, cost of the phone etc. Explain to your child that phone privileges will be re-evaluated monthly.
6th Grade through 8th Grade:
Issues/Concerns:
Your daughter has just been invited to go to an afternoon matinee with four of her girlfriends from school. One of the girl’s mother’s is willing to drop the girl’s off at the theater while she does some shopping at the mall. She will pick them up and bring them home after the show. Your daughter explains to you that she is old enough to go to a movie with her friends and if she fails to attend another outing her friends might stop talking to her and she will be a “nobody” and have no friends. Your daughter does not understand why she cannot make some decisions on her own.
Parent/Caretaker Response:
Have a discussion with your daughter. Acknowledge her feelings regarding having more freedom. Have an in depth discussion with your daughter regarding her ability to make good decisions. Assuming you know the other girls in the group and the parent driver, and that the movie is age-appropriate, you will need to help your daughter anticipate situations that could arise that she would normally handle by looking to you for advice. Walk her through the situations and be sure she feels comfortable and confident in each of them.
Your daughter does have the right to begin participating in social activities independent of her parents however as parents you have the right to choose the time of day, length of time and the setting for these initial steps toward independence. Parents have the responsibility to prepare their child for both predictable and unpredictable situations while away from adult supervision. With this right to unsupervised activities, the child has the responsibility to demonstrate that she is responsible and has a clear understanding of situations that might arise, and a plan for how to respond in each situation. The child should know that if they are unsure what to do in a particular situation, they can always call you for advice.
9th Grade through 12th Grade:
Issues/Concerns:
Your high school student has just announced that “everyone” is going over to Tom’s house for a party tonight. Tom’s family has a big screen TV, and a pool table, so everyone is going to hang out at his house tonight and watch movies and play pool. You have just learned that Tom’s parents are going out for the evening, but they do not expect to be out very late.
Parent/Caretaker Response:
Hopefully, you and your high school student have had numerous discussions about the importance of adult supervision at the homes of his friends before. High school students sometime feel as if “childish rules” no longer apply and that are old enough to supervise themselves. Young adults often feel and or believe that they have “proven” their ability to make appropriate decisions unless history has dictated opposite. High school students, whether playing pool, watching movies, or playing video games, need to have a responsible adult in the home providing proper supervision. A supervising adult is more than a parent who is home, upstairs in the bedroom, watching TV until he or she falls asleep or that “cool” sibling who is over 21 years old. A “supervising adult” is one who actively supervises the activities in the house. They do not need to be seated on the couch watching the movie with the young people, or challenging the winner in the next pool game, but they need to be awake, alert and aware of all of the activities both inside and outside the house. Throughout the evening, the supervising adult needs to circulate within all rooms of the house. If you as a Parent host people with these guidelines, you will model for youth what you find acceptable.
An unsupervised party is not acceptable. Talk with your teen about what an acceptable, respectable gathering would look like. Let them know that you cannot allow them to be at a home where there are no adults present to help with this. Remind your teen that you care about him/her and theirs friends and that you want them to be safe. Teens have the right to gather and have fun with their friends but they have the responsibility to inform their parents where they will be and with whom, make good choices, behave responsibility and to remove themselves from dangerous situations.
Teens also have the right to gradually gain independence from their parents after demonstrating that they are developing critical thinking skills and are exercising good decision-making skills.
Remind them that if they are ever in a situation where they need help, they can call you at anytime, however, it is wise to avoid places that have the potential to become dangerous, and an unsupervised party is one of those situations that can become dangerous.
Issue/Concern:
Your son is going to his junior prom. He is taking a junior girl from his class. He has asked to drive his date and two other couples to the prom. He has also told you that his group and other friends from school are renting a suite in a downtown hotel for the after prom party.
Parent/Caretaker Response:
Explain to your son that you cannot allow him to drive a group of friends to the prom. You are confident in his driving skills, however, having that many people in the car, the music, the talking and the excitement - you are concerned about him getting distracted. He would be responsible for the safety of himself, those in the car and anyone who might be affected outside the car if he becomes distracted. Inform your son that you will allow him to drive if it is only himself and his date in the car.
Regarding the idea of securing a hotel suite--Explain to your son that you cannot allow him to do this because of the serious altercations and problems that could arise from this plan. Offer your house as a post-prom gathering site for the three couples and inform your son that you will be present and that you will prepare food, provide soft drinks and water. Inform your son of the rules for the gathering. Explain that you understand that “nothing may happen” at the hotel and reinforce that you trust him but he cannot control or predict the behavior of a group.